I know I’ve not written a blog post for some time, and its’ not out of laziness or busy-ness for a change.
Something went weird.
It was a Sunday morning, I’d had a pot of coffee (oops) and was really chilled out with Netflix on and scrolling though eBay on my Chromebook looking for something else to hang in my wardrobe and forget about. I actually felt more relaxed than I had done in such a long time.
Then I started to get a funny feeling in my chest. I’ve had issues with acid reflux (or so that’s what the docs have assumed it is before I have an endoscopy) and so I ignored it. After all, I’d only had my pot of coffee so far and it was reaching midday and I’d been up for hours. Probably just ticked off my tummy. I felt a bit flush and a little bit dizzy, so I stood and walked over to the kitchen and decided to wash the pots to take my mind off myself convincing that something worse than just a “funny turn” was happening to me, but things were already going wrong.
I started worrying about my breathing which obviously made me start gasping for oxygen as if it were being sucked out of the room. My heart started thudding like mad in my chest, my head was swimming and it felt like somebody had their hands wrapped tight around my throat. I was now convinced myself something was terribly wrong. Trying to ignore it for a littel longer, I emptied the bins and dragged myself into the lift to go to the bins downstairs. I saw my reflection in the mirror. I was grey. I’m talking alien grey, the classic. This bothered me even more now that I was convinced I was half dead and on my way back from throwing the rubbish out, it actually felt like my legs weren’t my own and that I was floating just slightly behind my actual body.
That for me was confirmation that my soul was departing.
I start freaking out a little bit more at this point and jumped in the shower to try and orient myself with reality again hoping that the warm will sooth my stupid brain and bring me back down to earth; it made it worse. I was so convinced that something was happening to me, that I was on the edge of death, that I jumped out of the shower and started pacing around the flat naked like a crazy person! I couldn’t think clearly, I couldn’t breathe normally, and so I ended up calling one of my closest friends. She talked me through it and gave me the opportunity to focus on something else other than my impending doom. After over an hour, I finally started to settle down. Rick was on holiday and I was very aware I was alone in the flat and terrified, but also too ashamed of what was going on to let anybody come over.
I was given a couple of days off work to get myself back together. I didn’t leave the house.
The first day back at work was the second day Rick was home from his holiday and his first day back to work too. I decided to walk in to work early with him for 8am so that I didn’t have to walk by myself because I was so frightened that I might do something like that again and this time in public. The walk to work is around 15-20 minutes, depending on if you’re late and need to get a shift on. It’s not far at all. I must have walked for 2 or 3 minutes before I started crying in the street because I felt so disassociated with myself and confused. It happened again about 10 minutes later. I just did not feel like the same person somehow? Like my brain had been taken out and scrambled and put back in some weird order I didn’t recognise. I didn’t feel familiar with Rick, people at work, the sound of my own voice or my reflection. It was just really very scary.
Really recently, I’ve been feeling a lot better. I still get these weird tight painful choking moments of impending doom but I either chuck a beta blocker down my neck (which I try not to do because it can ruin my performance at the gym) or I just have to sit and ride it out. I don’t know what happened really and hopefully it won’t happen again. I still daren’t drink any alcohol because I’m worried about not being in control.
ANYWAY. TLDR; had a bit of a meltdown – alright(ish) now.
P.S – Me and Rick are buying a house and you KNOW my next post is gonna be all about that.